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There is always light at the end of the tunnel

by Steffy

This is my story of my loss. I came off depo shot sometime in April '04 and met my partner June '04. We knew how we felt for each other after a month of spending every day together. It was love.

We then decided to try for a baby as we both preferred to have them young instead of at a later age. My partner was 21 at the time and i had just turned 17. My last period was Aug. '04 and we found out I was pregnant at the end of September. We were over the moon! We decided to tell our families as both our sisters had 1 yr. olds and wanted support and advice as it was our first. My mum had us move back home with her from my partners sisters as we had rowed before hand and hadn't resolved it...and the pregnancy brought us closer together.

The weeks passed and we so so ecstatic, i even put clothes up my jumpers to try imagine myself with a baby bump. We moved to my mums and brought one baby vest and the changing mat. It was still too early to buy but excitement got the better of us. Everyone knew about our pregnancy. I got the usual symptoms but they stopped after a few weeks.

The week or so before my scan (23rd Nov. '04) my work colleagues were always having a laugh with me and kept saying "ohhh you never know you could be having a phantom baby." It was all a big laugh with my work. I just enjoyed that they weren't trying to scare me with their birth stories.

A week before my scan i had brown blood in my pants. It was very, very light and there was no pian. I didn't think much of it but had told my step dad about it. Then it was 2-3 days before my scan...blood got heavier. That was when I panicked. I called my midwife and she said to take bed rest and not go to work until after the scan. I stayed calm and did as I was told, although I felt I had let my work down due to it getting into the busy period, I was always the reliable one! I wasn't happy that the bleeding didn't go away after the weekend. So I called the hospital at night saying I'm still bleeding and there is pain. I was told to get up to the hospital to be checked over. We had a heartbeat but the doctor said he wanted me to go for a scan the next day (a day early) as i was still bleeding and in a bit of pain.

The hospital I was booked into for for my earlier scan was half an hour drive away. My sister took me and my partner up and took her little boy as he had no one to look after him. I went for the scan but the woman said she couldn't see heartbeat and said she would like to do an internal. I sent my partner out as I didn't know what they were going to do. She then showed me the screen and said she was sorry. At that point my heart broke in two and I hated the fact I had sent my partner out the room. Coming out I was just zombified...I just picked up my nephew and walked out the hospital.

When I got home that night although I had booked myself in for a D & C, i started contracting and big clots came out of me which was my baby. My little one had been flushed away. I still went for my D & C to make sure everything had left me. But the numbness I felt for weeks to follow after that was awful. Both partner's family and mine were devastated. I threw my self back into work as I couldn't bear to think of it.

My baby left me at approximately 10:30 PM on 22nd Nov. 2004. And I will never forget that day. I will also never forget the due date I was given : 6th June. On both those days I send a little prayer to my baby who we have called Mia Elizabeth. And each day is in our thoughts. Now I have a 1 year old boy on 14th Oct. I got pregnant 6 weeks after my miscarriage. So for all those who have suffered a miscarriage...there is always light at the end of the tunnel. If I hadn't miscarried then I wouldn't have my boy here with me today....so honestly I can say I wouldn't change a single thing. Thank you for reading xx